Like So

Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

Boarding Up the Windows

on March 8, 2013

Hi All,

First – I wanted to thank everyone who has left kind and lovely comments here over the last month. It really has meant a lot.

A quick update for those curious:

Cerclage was placed 2 weeks ago, at which point I began bed rest. I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks  – because my word, has it been dragging.

Also – we found out the gender – It’s a girl!

This is a huge relief for me because I think it would be a million times harder carrying a boy again.

Mood in general: freaking out because this is when things went downhill last time, and counting down the days (way too many left) until viability.

Now on to business.

Wouldn’t ya know it, even with this space being on a sort of “hiatus” I managed to get two more “at least you can get pregnant you ungrateful bitch die die die” comments here. My reaction to them was not good to say the least.

But it did make me realize the big mistake I made when I moved over to this space.

I gave out the address.

As much as I wanted this blog to be a non-ALI blog, the moment I left the address out there on my old blog, it was inevitable that the ALI crowd would follow, and with it all of the pomp and circumstance.  It was silly of me to think otherwise.

Having been a part of this community for three years now, I’m a vet. I’ve been lapped by many a blogger. Most of the women who I started blogging with have long since moved on. And I have to say there are elements in the new crowd that I just don’t like much. There’s a lot of bitterness going around. I don’t need that. I don’t need people who have NO IDEA of the hell I’ve been through leaving stupid, petty comments. As much good as this community does for people, there is an ugly underbelly to it that I no longer want to stomach (wow, that phrase “ugly underbelly” coupled with ALI makes me think of women swapping frozen embies for drugs in a dark alley).

So yeah – most of my “contemporaries” closed up shop on their ALI blogs long ago and are now happily parenting. I’ve been left behind. But I’m ready to move on as well.

I may open up a new blog to chronicle the hell that is bedrest. I may not. All I know is that I’m not going to post the link here.

So once again, I’m closing up shop here. And closing the door on the ALI community, because I just don’t think I belong here any more.

Being a “babyloss mom” is a sucky title to have, and not only for the obvious reasons. It’s a title that I was given, I never wanted it. And being a part of this community, I will always be tagged as that.

But losing my baby boy also gave me something else: perspective. I’m over “pain olympics” BS. I’m over “this is worse because” I’m over “baby dust” and “rainbow babies” and everything happening for a reason, and revelations, and acronyms.

I am bitter. I am wounded. I am tired.  I don’t want to be labelled a babyloss mom. I also don’t want to be judged for suffering through my current pregnancy. Because guess what? I’m getting even fatter and I hate it. I’m going stir crazy. I have horrible heartburn. And I’m a hysterical mess. I love B5 and I want to keep her cooking as long as possible, but I HATE being pregnant.

IT IS MY RIGHT TO BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS. If I want to write about them, I don’t want to be judged. And inevitably, that is what will happen if I connect myself with anything ALI-related.

So I have to turn my back on this community for my own sanity. Because if I want to bitch and moan, it is my right. Because I have been to hell and back and I don’t care for that hell to be compared and weighed against others. Because I don’t give a rats ass about etiquette and no matter where I go in this community, I will be judged based on it. So I have to turn my back on this blogosphere.

BUT – not on the amazing women who I’ve met here.

Guys – with all the ugliness that I have dealt with recently I may have not said this enough, but I really need you to know this:

I owe you my life.

When my world collapsed around me last February, I was held up by you. By the literally THOUSANDS of emails, comments, and letters that I received, assuring me that Nadav will not be forgotten.

During the nightmare that was the days and weeks following his loss, you gave my life meaning again. I will never ever EVER forget that.

So I close this space down, with the amazing gift that the ALI blogosphere has given me. Women who I no longer count as bloggy friends, because so many have moved on already – but more importantly, so many have become an integral part of my real life. Because they – you – saved me. I would like to thank some of you by name. Don’t worry, no links, so no one will ever need to know. But you are beyond this blog, and I need you to know how grateful I am that you are a part of my life.

Rachel – my dear friend and sister. You stayed up with me on the phone in the middle of the night, in an empty hospital car park, reminding me that even though I was losing my son, I was still his mommy. You held me together then and for so long afterwards.

Marie – Really do I have to elaborate? I love you. Hopefully we’ll get to go to Disneyland again soon (but not too soon! I’ve got some oven-related work to take care of first).

Nisha – Thank you for keeping me sane during some insane times. One of the best parts of my day is seeing the amazingly cute portraits of your daughter on facebook. I still feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, because I had the honor of being one of the first people to know that she was on the way.

Kristin, Amy and Shaunalee – thank you for being the first women to make me realize that I was not alone in this world.

Courtney – My kindred spirit. I hope we meet sometime in the future.

Sarah B – You give me strength. I don’t tell you that enough. But there you go.

Cristy- The glue that has held me together over the last year. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Alissa, Maria, Amy, and Petra – Thank you for reaching out to me and helping me get over the hardest humps. Your strength inspires me daily.

Sarah H, Jessica, Kait, Jamie  and Trina, Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and your journey.

And all of you countless wonderful women out there who always have a good word to say. Forgive me if I don’t list you all, but know that you are appreciated.

I am leaving this community because it is time to move on. But know that I am not leaving you with it. I am always ALWAYS here for you. And yes, I am going to keep reading.

If I do feel the need to open a new blog, I will happily share the URL with anyone who emails me or just leaves a comment on this post asking to be notified. But I will ask you here and now – if I do open up a new blog, please don’t link up to me from your ALI blogs, or put me on any ALI blogrolls. I just need to move on.

Also – If I manage to get B5 home safe and sound, I will post an update on my old blog – mommyodyssey.wordpress.com. It just makes the most sense that way. So check there in (please please please no sooner than) 26 weeks or so. Hopefully not sooner. Please not sooner.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for showering me and my family with love. I hope that I have at least in some way given you a bit of hope and comfort through my words. Or at least made you chuckle every once in a while. That’s worth something, right? Because I have no idea how to begin to repay the kindness that has been shown to me.

All my love,

Mo

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71 responses to “Boarding Up the Windows

  1. Sadie says:

    Congrats on the GIRL!! I have never commented but as a mother who lost her first son before birth I have always found your honesty so refreshing. You made me feel less alone. I would love to follow you if you decide to start up a hopeful, forward looking space someplace else.
    Looking forward to hearing news of the safe arrival of Nadav’s baby sister in 26 weeks! Thinking good thoughts for you until then.

  2. wombattwo says:

    I’m so pleased you’re pregnant again, but it must be terrifying. Utterly terrifying. I hope so very much that B5 arrives, safely, when she is supposed to. You will be in my prayers.
    All the best, and take care of yourself.

  3. Sorry to hear you are leaving, but I totally understand. If you decide to set up a new blog please let me know! I will be getting a cerclage as well in April. Hope things are going well with the baby! My email is pcosbarrenness@live.com

  4. Kimberly Graven says:

    Wishing you the best of luck! I absolutely love your no-nonsense style and would love to follow you through more of your journey if you decide to keep blogging. If not, I totally understand. It never ceases to amaze me with how many “bitches” there are in the world. Don’t let them ruin this time for you. i can’t wait to hear of good news of your little girl. I will be thinking about you- I too am pregnant with a little girl due in July. Relax and keep cooking that little sweetheart 🙂

    Kim- from Iowa

  5. Liv says:

    Hi Mo

    I send all my love to you and your family. If you open a new blog I’d love to get your rants in my inbox!

  6. I’m a few days behind in my blog reading….first off, congrats on the GIRL! Stay in there B5!

    I would love to read your new blog if you end up setting one up. nonsequiturchica at gmail

  7. Bear says:

    I’m sorry people feel the need to make themselves feel better by lashing out at others. I appreciate what you have tried to do for this community. I would very much like to follow you if you decide to start a new blog because I love your writing.

  8. Kerstin says:

    Dear Mo,

    I have been reading your blog(s) for years now, and never commented. I am German so I have learned my English in school, which enables me to analyze a Shakespearen play but not to name any fruits besides bananas and apples. At least I`d never compare fetuses to fruits. (Or only twice.) I expanded my vocabulary through Friends, Dr Who, West Wing and Firefly, so I know how to talk to a Darlek or pardon a turkey, but still feel unable to talk about fruit, or properly comment on blogs. I never find the right words. But I will try now.
    I had about 3 months of bedrest due to a shortened cervix before I had my daughter. It was in the last summer and fall, I felt disconnected from the world, fucking worried, bored and all sorts of things. I cannot imagine what life is like for you now. I never lost a child, I was the lucky one, but after 2 years of infertility at least I knew how lucky I was and I freaked out because I knew what could go wrong.
    I still think about Nadav, your son.
    When you started Like So, I wanted to tell you that I would read everything you chose to write about. If you´d blog about painting your toenails I am sure to find myself interested in 20 shades of pink. I like your writing. And I happen to like you. (I hope I don’t sound like a stalker, really, I am not.) If you continue to write something somewhere, I’d love to read it. How about a blog on fruits? I still don’t know what raspberries are and why you can blow them, but I guess I will find out someday.

    When I was worried about my girl, I did not handle it well when people told me everything would be OK. They didn’t know that. It felt like they belittled my worries. There were no guarantees.
    My litte one is snoring beside me now, and I so hope your daughter will do the same in a wibbely wobbely time wimey not so far future.

    Kerstin

  9. firstcomes says:

    Ive never commented before because to be honest I had no idea what to say. Ive followed you since before you were pregnant with Nadav. You’ve often compared the lurkers to rubber neckers at a car crash however, that’s not the reason I’ve been reading your blog. I find you witty, funny and honest but in the midst of a world I dont understand I just couldn’t find any words.
    I wish you all the best with B5, I truly hope you get to bring home a healthy baby girl.
    Light & Love x

  10. marwil says:

    I’m glad you are taking care of yourself by making this decision. Please let me know if you open up a new blog elsewhere. I’m so sorry for all the negativity that has been going around, there is no need to let out the bitterness on someone else. It really angers me.
    Bedrest must be so hard and scary to go through, I look forward to an update on baby girls arrival in 26 weeks or so!! And I hear you on it being easier carrying a girl this time. I have thought about this a lot as well should I ever be pregnant again. Much Love, Mo.

  11. christina says:

    Mo-I would love to follow your new blog. I found you through the podcast and have been rooting for the three of you since I was in the same boat and am sitting here 15 weeks pregnant. You all made me cry, feel supported, feel less alone and feel hopeful and for that I am grateful!

  12. Whitney says:

    Mo, I found your blog at a very dark point in my own IF journey, and I cannot begin to say how much your wonderful, funny, insightful writing and the podcast have helped me come to terms with the realities of life as an infertile. At the risk of sounding like a creepo stalker, I have always thought you were kind of a kindred spirit, mainly based around the fact that we both have ridiculous Kevin Smith/Harry Potter obsessions and have similar ranty tendencies. So I am saddened to hear that you are stepping away from this space and would definitely be honored if you would let me know if you start a new blog: wefaunce@gmail.com. I hate that people have been so hateful and judgmental towards you and B5, it is completely unjustified and unfair. However, I am glad to see that you are taking care of yourself and your daughter and putting your needs first. Here’s wishing you an extremely boring (in the best way!) 26 more weeks! Much love to you, Shmerson, and baby girl B5!
    ~Whitney

  13. Donna says:

    Mo, I’m so sorry people are such insensitive jerks. I’ve been following you for ages and hate that you might not be here to follow because certain people are incapable of editing their anger appropriately. You helped me so much throughout my last journey into the land of TTC and throughout my pregnancy. I got a little busy with having the baby and all and it’s so disheartening that this is what I returned to. I wish you lots of luck with your bedrest and I’ll be praying for you and B5 even though I know you’re not into that. I would love to have the address to any new blogs you write. Otherwise I will truly miss all your rantings and wisdom.

  14. Metonymy says:

    I found your blog sometime in January as a result of poking around the edges of this bizarre, cannibalistic ALI community. I just hit 13 weeks with my little biology experiment and spent most of the first trimester looking up ways that everything can go wrong, because I figured if I expect that, the opposite will happen. Then I read about you and Nadav, and realized that I shouldn’t take my creature for granted. Life is precious, even when It’s giving me heartburn and deciding I can’t eat another bite of something I love because It doesn’t want to. You’re an incredible and amazing person to share your journey with the world and I’m sorry that some of the ALIs went all piranha on you. Eff the pain olympians.

    I’d love to follow you to a new blog and lurk there, if you’re making one. My email address is real; it was the product of a freshman chemistry class 10+ yrs ago.

  15. Moira says:

    Bloody good for you! And I so so so so hope that bed rest quickly passes. I can’t imagine!! But a girl- wow!! Hooray !!

    Wishing you the very best! Would live to follow your journey if you do choose to open another blog.

    Until then, hugs x

  16. Anne says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for almost two years now, and I will really miss you, but I completely understand your reasons for leaving! I really can’t believe how nasty some people can be.
    I was pregnant four times before I had a baby to take home, and I remember with each pregnancy feeling very blessed to be pregnant, but terrified, anxious, uncomfortable all the time, guilty that I felt uncomfortable, guilty that I wanted to fast forward to the end of the pregnancy and be done, and generally crazy with all the emotions of it. The LAST thing a momma in your position needs is a bunch of negativity in her life!

    Wishing you all the best! I would love to continue following you to a new blog.

  17. Shannon says:

    I’ve never commented before now but if you start a new blog I would love to follow you…I’ve been reading you blogs for over a year now… I love your writing style and I am always looking forward to hearing good news! You and b5 will be in my thoughts and prayers… Good Luck and congratulations on the girl!

  18. Robin says:

    I just started reading recently after 1 miscarriage, and then losing my son at 4 days old. He was born at 24 weeks because I developed severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Now, I’m pregnant again and terrified, nervous, excited and lots of other emotions. I love your honesty and would love to continue to follow your blog. I wish you all the best with B5!

  19. Stephanie says:

    I have never commented before, but I enjoy your writing and respect your point of view. I would love to follow you if you chose to start up again. Til then, best wishes to you.

  20. Aspgriswold says:

    I love reading your blog!! I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with that crap. Sending you many thoughts and if you start blogging again I’d love to follow! Aspgriswold at gmail dot com.

  21. LisaB says:

    Thinking of you and sending much love xoxoxo

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