Like So

Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

Boarding Up the Windows

Hi All,

First – I wanted to thank everyone who has left kind and lovely comments here over the last month. It really has meant a lot.

A quick update for those curious:

Cerclage was placed 2 weeks ago, at which point I began bed rest. I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks  – because my word, has it been dragging.

Also – we found out the gender – It’s a girl!

This is a huge relief for me because I think it would be a million times harder carrying a boy again.

Mood in general: freaking out because this is when things went downhill last time, and counting down the days (way too many left) until viability.

Now on to business.

Wouldn’t ya know it, even with this space being on a sort of “hiatus” I managed to get two more “at least you can get pregnant you ungrateful bitch die die die” comments here. My reaction to them was not good to say the least.

But it did make me realize the big mistake I made when I moved over to this space.

I gave out the address.

As much as I wanted this blog to be a non-ALI blog, the moment I left the address out there on my old blog, it was inevitable that the ALI crowd would follow, and with it all of the pomp and circumstance.  It was silly of me to think otherwise.

Having been a part of this community for three years now, I’m a vet. I’ve been lapped by many a blogger. Most of the women who I started blogging with have long since moved on. And I have to say there are elements in the new crowd that I just don’t like much. There’s a lot of bitterness going around. I don’t need that. I don’t need people who have NO IDEA of the hell I’ve been through leaving stupid, petty comments. As much good as this community does for people, there is an ugly underbelly to it that I no longer want to stomach (wow, that phrase “ugly underbelly” coupled with ALI makes me think of women swapping frozen embies for drugs in a dark alley).

So yeah – most of my “contemporaries” closed up shop on their ALI blogs long ago and are now happily parenting. I’ve been left behind. But I’m ready to move on as well.

I may open up a new blog to chronicle the hell that is bedrest. I may not. All I know is that I’m not going to post the link here.

So once again, I’m closing up shop here. And closing the door on the ALI community, because I just don’t think I belong here any more.

Being a “babyloss mom” is a sucky title to have, and not only for the obvious reasons. It’s a title that I was given, I never wanted it. And being a part of this community, I will always be tagged as that.

But losing my baby boy also gave me something else: perspective. I’m over “pain olympics” BS. I’m over “this is worse because” I’m over “baby dust” and “rainbow babies” and everything happening for a reason, and revelations, and acronyms.

I am bitter. I am wounded. I am tired.  I don’t want to be labelled a babyloss mom. I also don’t want to be judged for suffering through my current pregnancy. Because guess what? I’m getting even fatter and I hate it. I’m going stir crazy. I have horrible heartburn. And I’m a hysterical mess. I love B5 and I want to keep her cooking as long as possible, but I HATE being pregnant.

IT IS MY RIGHT TO BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS. If I want to write about them, I don’t want to be judged. And inevitably, that is what will happen if I connect myself with anything ALI-related.

So I have to turn my back on this community for my own sanity. Because if I want to bitch and moan, it is my right. Because I have been to hell and back and I don’t care for that hell to be compared and weighed against others. Because I don’t give a rats ass about etiquette and no matter where I go in this community, I will be judged based on it. So I have to turn my back on this blogosphere.

BUT – not on the amazing women who I’ve met here.

Guys – with all the ugliness that I have dealt with recently I may have not said this enough, but I really need you to know this:

I owe you my life.

When my world collapsed around me last February, I was held up by you. By the literally THOUSANDS of emails, comments, and letters that I received, assuring me that Nadav will not be forgotten.

During the nightmare that was the days and weeks following his loss, you gave my life meaning again. I will never ever EVER forget that.

So I close this space down, with the amazing gift that the ALI blogosphere has given me. Women who I no longer count as bloggy friends, because so many have moved on already – but more importantly, so many have become an integral part of my real life. Because they – you – saved me. I would like to thank some of you by name. Don’t worry, no links, so no one will ever need to know. But you are beyond this blog, and I need you to know how grateful I am that you are a part of my life.

Rachel – my dear friend and sister. You stayed up with me on the phone in the middle of the night, in an empty hospital car park, reminding me that even though I was losing my son, I was still his mommy. You held me together then and for so long afterwards.

Marie – Really do I have to elaborate? I love you. Hopefully we’ll get to go to Disneyland again soon (but not too soon! I’ve got some oven-related work to take care of first).

Nisha – Thank you for keeping me sane during some insane times. One of the best parts of my day is seeing the amazingly cute portraits of your daughter on facebook. I still feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, because I had the honor of being one of the first people to know that she was on the way.

Kristin, Amy and Shaunalee – thank you for being the first women to make me realize that I was not alone in this world.

Courtney – My kindred spirit. I hope we meet sometime in the future.

Sarah B – You give me strength. I don’t tell you that enough. But there you go.

Cristy- The glue that has held me together over the last year. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Alissa, Maria, Amy, and Petra – Thank you for reaching out to me and helping me get over the hardest humps. Your strength inspires me daily.

Sarah H, Jessica, Kait, Jamie  and Trina, Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and your journey.

And all of you countless wonderful women out there who always have a good word to say. Forgive me if I don’t list you all, but know that you are appreciated.

I am leaving this community because it is time to move on. But know that I am not leaving you with it. I am always ALWAYS here for you. And yes, I am going to keep reading.

If I do feel the need to open a new blog, I will happily share the URL with anyone who emails me or just leaves a comment on this post asking to be notified. But I will ask you here and now – if I do open up a new blog, please don’t link up to me from your ALI blogs, or put me on any ALI blogrolls. I just need to move on.

Also – If I manage to get B5 home safe and sound, I will post an update on my old blog – It just makes the most sense that way. So check there in (please please please no sooner than) 26 weeks or so. Hopefully not sooner. Please not sooner.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for showering me and my family with love. I hope that I have at least in some way given you a bit of hope and comfort through my words. Or at least made you chuckle every once in a while. That’s worth something, right? Because I have no idea how to begin to repay the kindness that has been shown to me.

All my love,