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Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

When Words Hurt

on February 13, 2013

Ok so I really don’t know who I’m trying to kid by claiming I’m not going to talk loss in this space and I’m going to do some other posts right now. That’s just not happening.

Guys – it’s the one year anniversary of Nadav’s death on the 21st. That’s soon. And the truth is I’ve been feeling the burden of it heavily. So heavily that not only has it been clouding my emotions, it’s been clouding my judgement.

And you want to hear the worst part of it? The cerclage and the bed rest? They start at the same time as the anniversary.  I once thought that might be a good thing, you know – two birds with one stone or something. Now I’m not so sure.

Let me backtrack though for a second by telling you guys something I’ve never shared publicly before to give you a context:

Two days after coming home from the hospital after we lost Nadav, some psycho posted a comment on my blog calling me a murderer. He didn’t know what had happened. I guess he just assumed that I had had a late term abor.tion or something and he decided to advocate for a cause by tearing me to shreds. The psycho obviously was not there looking for context. He (or she) didn’t care to find out how loved, wanted and hard-fought Nadav was. He didn’t care that he was posting a lie.

I never published that comment of course, and over the course of a week or so a group of online friends did my moderation for me, just in case any more psychos wanted to come out of the woodwork. I pretended that I wasn’t hurt by this psycho. But the truth is that his (her, whatever) comment dug deep and haunts me to this day.

I know logically that I had no control over what happened with Nadav. But any woman who has had the failure of her own body cause a loss can relate to this: you always blame yourself on some level.

So on bad days – the ones that require a lot of anti-psychotic meds and a lot of tissues – I hear that word echo in my head: Murderer.

I wish I could say that this experience immunized me against hurtful words. It did not. And the circumstances have of late made things a thousand times worse.

Because I’m on seriously shaky emotional ground right now. The cerclage, the bed rest, the anniversary. Trying to prepare for all of it. A perfect shit storm.

So like every emotionally unstable person even the slightest provocation on my psyche sets me into a tailspin.

I won’t name names or link links, but in the last few days, some shit has gone down. I didn’t want to be a part of it. But then I was. And then I made things worse by losing my shit because I’ve been on such rocky ground to begin with.

Let’s just say things have not been pretty around these parts.

I’ve been wanting to come on here – to write ranty manifestos as I tend to do when I deal with conflict. But I find myself deathly afraid of what will come in the comments. I find myself deathly afraid of reading any comment thread anywhere for fear it will send me into a hysterical crying fit.

After all – a wise woman pointed out to me yesterday – you put yourself out there and people react. You are a public entity merely by having a blog.

My husband also painted a clear picture for me:

If I was in a room with 10 people, 9 of whom told me I was beautiful, and one who said that I was fat and ugly, what would I remember – the sea of compliments or the single insult?

Alas – these days I harp on that single insult. It sits in me and festers. Even well meaning people who simply want to have a discussion make me feel like a thousand knives are being stabbed into my body.

And yes – I know that’s a bit dramatic. Because that’s where I am right now. I’m falling to pieces at the slightest provocation.

The last 48 hours have brought up a lot of questions. Those of you who follow me on twitter know that there was a moment that I lost it and said I was shutting it all down: The blog, the podcast, everything.

But I can’t do that. The podcast firestorm happened on the ALI blogosphere. That makes up about 10 percent of our listenership. There are hundreds of women out there that have no idea what happened, and never will know. And they love the podcast and send us emails every day thanking us for it. I can’t just abandon that. And I can’t abandon this blog. Because I know that at the end of the day I need it – and I need all of you.

Like all of your amazing comments on my last couple of posts.I felt loved, held, and supported.

But there were still a couple of comments that gave me that stabby feeling. Still the assholes who decided that somehow I’m “lucky” to have a dead son. There is still all of this shit happening right now behind the scenes that I simply cannot handle emotionally. I find myself making bad decisions, alienating people I care about, and crying over this stuff way more often than any stable person should.

Yesterday I was recounting all of this drama to a friend of mine who happens to be a therapist. He wisely pointed out that every person’s role in any group dynamic usually reflects their hidden desire to be heard. So the person who put on the guise of support while vying for sympathy in their subtext has a specific need to be heard. The person who posts a passive aggressive attack under the guise of being apologetic simply needs to be heard. The person who flames me completely just because I can get pregnant has a specific need to be heard. The person who posted questions for a discussion – has a need to be heard. And yes – my adamant and lovely supporters readers and commenters have a specific need to be heard.

I write here. I podcast. Obviously I have a need to be heard.

But I am not in any sort of emotional space to do any listening right now. I have a hard couple of weeks coming up. I have enough salty wetness ahead to last me a lifetime. I don’t need to add the salty wetness that can be caused and has been caused as of late in this space, in my email exchanges, or on the podcast.

So at the urging of a few close friends, I’m stepping away for a little while. From everything. I’m taking a break from listening and from speaking. Because my sanity comes first.

I don’t know when I’ll be back. I may come back here to commemorate the one-year mark on the 21st, I may not. I may come back right after going on bed rest. I may come back later than that.

I will be back. But only when I stop being afraid of opening up a comments section. Only when I know I’ve managed to rebuild some sort of thick skin. Only when I know that the hurtfulness, malicious or not, will not echo in my brain like that psycho did a year ago. I have enough demons and ghosts, and I choose to not create any more right about now.

Hope you guys are here when I come back.

And in case I’m not here on the 21st, please light a candle – whether physical or symbolic – for my son. Because he deserves to be remembered, no matter what else is happening.

See you all on the flip side.

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45 responses to “When Words Hurt

  1. JourneyGirl says:

    Totally understandable, I wish you all the best over this very difficult time.

  2. SM says:

    I’ll be thinking of you and Nadav on the 21st. I’ll light a candle for your son. I know I’m not alone in this. He won’t be forgotten.

  3. M says:

    Do what is best for you. I look forward to reading you again someday.

  4. Jules says:

    Love & light. ❤

  5. Ms. Fit says:

    Thinking of you. Glad you’re taking care of yourself and looking forward to your return on whatever timetable works for you.

  6. missohkay says:

    Love you, Mo. I’ll be lighting a candle for sweet, most-definitely loved and wanted Nadav.

  7. Kitten says:

    I will be here when you come back, and I will light a candle in memory of Nadav. Sending you strength and peace and lots of love.

  8. Stephanie says:

    Thinking of you and everything you are going through. I hope this time away is just what you need.

  9. Courtney says:

    I was just wondering last night when your dreaded bedrest would start. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down about it – and everything. I cannot imagine going on bedrest for six months, and worse, knowing months in advance that it’s coming. That alone would make me a pissy bitch. But with Nadavs birthday too? No. Impossible. All of this is more than understandable.

    Clear out your head. Take the time you need. You know we’ll all be here when you come back!

    I’ll think of all of you on 2/21.

  10. Jenn says:

    Will keep you in my thoughts as this tough day approaches. I’m so sorry you had to see that comment. It’s been three years since I lost my twins and the terrible comments I got still stick with me, which is tough since I blame myself since my body failed them.

  11. Theresa says:

    We will all be here when you get back. I hope you are able to find some sanity again.

  12. Take care of yourself during your break. We will all be thinking of you while you are gone.

  13. Amy says:

    Brava, Mo, for knowing that you need to set these limits for the sake of your own sanity. I really, really hope it helps as you move into these nearly impossibly hard weeks ahead. And of course we will be here whenever you are ready to return. We abide with you ALWAYS, whether you’re speaking and listening all over the place, or whether you are taking the quiet time that you need. Very few things are absolute when you are walking this road, so if at any point you feel a ranty manifesto would help more than keeping your distance, we’re all for that as well. I wish you the best of luck as you take these steps, and I am honored to have known Nadav as much as I am able to through your blogging and through listening to you talk about your time with him on the podcast, and will certainly light a candle and be thinking of you both on the 21st.

    (I’m going to be a little bummed when I finally have listened to all the past BI episodes and have to wait for new ones – it has been so lovely to listen to you every time I get in the car, and it has kept you in my thoughts A LOT the past couple of weeks. I selfishly hope that you will choose to continue them when you can, but only only only if it is a good thing for YOU.)

  14. Ren says:

    You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Try to remember that we are still here thinking of you.

  15. steph50 says:

    Take all the time you need. We’ll be waiting and sending good vibes your way!

  16. Amy says:

    Oh, Mo…I so completely understand your need for a break. I will wait for you to come back, and will absolutely light a candle for Nadav. I can’t believe it’s already been a year.

    I think I hear you beating yourself up a bit for the strength and fury of your emotions…and want to send you love and support for that. Be gentle with our friend Mo. One thing DH’s and my couples counselor recently shared is that all the shitty comments from strangers (and not) and the lack of support I’ve gotten from my in-laws is technically called secondary trauma. She said that to DH, who just couldn’t understand why all of that has bothered me as much as it has. It felt wonderful to have my experience validated, so I’m passing that on to you…you are right to feel beaten down and attacked by comments and posts that – whether they’re meant to or not – step so far over into your intimate experience of self as mother. I also wish for you the small sense of relief, a little ability to breathe, after the 21st passes. I don’t know why it was true for me, and certainly didn’t believe it would be true for me, but getting through the 12-month mark did actually make everything a little easier. My heart isn’t healed, I still cry and grieve and wish for things to be different, but the intensity has gone down a tad.

    Big, big love, and best wishes for an easy cerclage on such a difficult day.

  17. Mel says:

    That Shabbat, the 22nd, when I light the candles, I’ll add Nadav’s name to the extra prayer I say after the main one. Holding you in my heart: there is so much pain contained in this post, and my mind is spinning from reading this. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  18. Sue says:

    Take care of you. Talk to your trusted friends, take some time to do for yourself what you need. Thinking good thoughts for you!

  19. Louisa says:

    I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you in words that you believe that— you will get through this and when you do (and even before you do) we will be waiting for you and cheering you on. Be kind to yourself.

  20. Lola says:

    Good for you Mo. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and peaceful energy for the upcoming months. AND, most importantly, remembering y’alls Nadav.
    PS – I keep thinking as I read this post — you’re also pregnant! Never underestimate the power of pregnancy hormones to makes any and EVERY thing more intense, more emotional, more sensitive, etc. 🙂

  21. psychsarah says:

    Take care of yourself-that’s the number one priority, especially in light of all the stresses coming down the pike. Many of us will be thinking of you and Nadav on the 21st (and other times of course).I personally will go and look at the beautiful image of his name in the sand that you posted to your other blog that day. It is such a stunning image. Whenever you do return, it will be a happy day for your readers, not only because we get to enjoy your well-written thoughts, but because we’ll know you’re feeling stronger.

  22. Anna says:

    I’m thinking of you. And I’m sorry to hear you and the podcast are taking a break. I wish that you weren’t hurting and I wish that people were more sensitive and I wish that you did not get that awful comment right after losing Nadav. But I understand your need for space. I’ll be thinking of you and Nadav and the 21st. xo

  23. Erin says:

    I need to be heard. I need you to hear that while the vast majority support you I understand why the few who don’t are so hurtful. I need you to know that so many people around the world will be celebrating Nadav’s life and grieving his death along with you on the 21st especially and I hope that knowledge lessens you and your husbands pain even if only microscopically. I need you to hear that while I know there is nothing anyone can do to make this easier for you, so many people would if we could… and most of us never even met you in person. That is how impactful and powerful you are.

  24. SRB says:

    There is a photo on the wall in my house of a son that was lost, and when I look at it now I think of you too – you know why. I will always think of them being connected in some way, and keep Nadav in my heart in the same special place. But I will think only of Nadav when I light my candle for him. Love always, Mo. Always.

  25. Daryl says:

    Take care of yourself, Mo. I’ll be thinking of you and Nadav on the 21st.

  26. K says:

    I will make a note for myself to light a candle on the 21st, in memory of your sweet boy. I am exactly at the point in my pregnancy that you were, and admittedly, I have been thinking about your experience.
    I will miss reading you but I am glad you made this decision; I also feel you should “unplug” for a while. It’s going to be hard, believe me, especially when you’re bored in bed.
    I do hope you have some long term computer projects in mind for your bed rest, write a novel perhaps? Something that will let you mentally escape your last year, a scandalous romance. Frieda Kahlo did her best work while sick in bed!
    Best wishes, Mo!! I will subscribe to your blog so that I know when you’re back.

  27. Christina says:

    This post makes me feel so sad. Sad that you feel the need to step away (but is completely understandable). Sad that those individuals felt the need to say those horrid things to you and were so full of hate and hurt.

    And mostly, so sad that all these things are compounding together at to most unfortunate time for you. I want you know that so many people are supporting you and thinking of you, Shmerson and Nadav. Take care and we are here for you anytime you need us.

  28. Alissa says:

    Oh my dear. I hate that you feel you need to step away. I get it, but it’s a shame that certain events have made it hard for you to share what you need to share. I will of course be lighting a candle and remembering Nadav on the 21st. These angelversaries are so damn hard, but I know they will feel less ‘fresh’ as time goes on. That both calms me and scares me. Just know that you are being thought of and many of us are sending positive vibes. I am always around if you want to chat or e-mail. You may need some entertainment as you begin your bedrest.

  29. marwil says:

    Sending you love and strength to get through the coming weeks and then the bedrest that’s needed. I will think of you and Nadav on the 21st, he will be remembered.

  30. dawnxoxo says:

    ❤

  31. kel24 says:

    I am so sorry that you have had those horrible comments…how painful for you Mo.

    I totally understand your need for a break. Please know we will all be waiting for you here in this space until you are ready to come back.

    I will be remembering your sweet, beautiful Nadav on the 21st. We will NOT forget your son.

  32. Geo chick says:

    I’ve been out of the loop a little bit lately, but I just want to offer my support. I listen to the podcast occasionally and I think that what you are doing there is fantastic. I hope this break helps out.

  33. Kristen says:

    Hugs and love to you during this difficult time. I am so glad you are protecting yourself…absolutely the right thing to do. Much love and prayers being sent your way and I will never, ever forget your precious son.
    XOXO

  34. Moira says:

    I will be lighting a candle. Hugs x

  35. K says:

    Will be thinking of you tomorrow, Mo.

  36. K says:

    Hope you’re holding up. Lit a candle, which is surprisingly difficult when you don’t own matches 😉 Had to dig out some birthday candles to transfer the flame from the stove.

  37. L says:

    Thinking of you and Nadav.

  38. Courtney says:

    Thinking of you, Nadav, and Schmerson. Sending peace to your mind and heart!

  39. Anna says:

    Thinking of you and Nadav. xo

  40. Jules says:

    Lighting a candle and saying a prayer for Nadav tonight. I hope you’re doing something to nourish and care for your spirit today. ❤

  41. Erin says:

    I know you have stepped away. I’m not sure you will see this… but we are still out there. Thinking of you, sending you positive thoughts across the net. Hoping you are doing well.

  42. Meghan says:

    Hey, I’ve been following you quietly and sporadically for a long time now. Every now and then I check in hoping for good news for you. I am beyond happy to hear that things are again moving forward, and am mentally holding my breath for that “made it safe” post. I’m so sorry people are so mean spirited, and that they drove you away from here. I’m glad you are doing what you feel is best for you, but please, for those of us silently rooting for you out here, don’t forget to post the good news when it comes. Good luck. You are loved.

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