Like So

Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

Coming Clean

on February 2, 2013

Ok all – time for a bit of a confession.

Things haven’t been all sunshine and roses in Shmerson-land over the last couple of weeks. In fact, up until a couple of days ago they were downright shit-tastic.

That’s the truth of why I hadn’t updated here in two weeks.

The truth is – I spent most of that time scared out of my mind, and not wanting to post here for fear of becoming a freak show.

So at our 6 week scan of B5 the doc wouldn’t confirm seeing a heartbeat. It was barely visible if at all, and B5 was measuring behind. This was my RE, so that same day I called my regular OB/GYN freaking out. Just like the RE, he told me to wait a week and then come in.

I spent that entire week in emotional detachment. This was a total self-defense mechanism, but I did what I could to get through the week. Mostly slept really.

The next week we came in. I was 7 weeks 6 days and B5 was measuring 6 weeks 5 days. There was a strong heartbeat and the Russian, my OB/GYN, wasn’t concerned.

He told me to come in at 12 weeks for the NT scan. That was it.

Only anyone who’s been reading me for a while knows that immediately after the NT scan, because of my history, I’m having a cervical cerclage and going on complete bed rest until 37 weeks. Which means that where I was at the time, just short of 8 weeks pregnant, I had some preparation to do.

I’m going to be housebound for 6 months. That means:

1) I have to put school on hold

2) I have to stop teaching

3) I have to find content clients who are willing to hire me knowing that I will not be able to meet them in person.

4) I have to tell my existing clients that I can only have skype meetings from now on.

That means telling a bunch of near-strangers that I’m pregnant, when I’m barely 8 weeks and measuring a full week behind.

I don’t know about you guys, but that’s just effing surreal to me. Telling a random HR lady. Telling the head of the psychology department at my college. Telling the administrative head of the film program where I teach. And this week – telling my students why I was leaving them, because I already had to stop teaching a few of my classes (and no, I don’t believe in lying about these things, so I had to put my money where my mouth was).

So inevitably, on Tuesday, just after writing my last post, I freaked the eff out. I just lost it completely.

At some point I had a major anxiety attack, and after taking to twitter for support I finally woke Shmerson up crying about how I was sick of being “brave” and “strong” and I just wanted to be a freaking stupid ignorant pregnant lady.

I bawled and keened. Over being a freak show. Over the fact that this is my FIFTH first trimester. Over the fact that I will never, ever have a calm blissful pregnancy. Over having to share my pregnancy with total strangers when I’m barely ready to acknowledge it myself. Over my freaking SSRI withdrawal. Over everything.

The next morning I called the Russian’s office and asked for a sanity ultrasound. He obliged, though said that he can only humor me so many times.

So at 9 weeks 2 days, B5 was alive and kicking. Measuring 8 weeks 5 days, so catching up. Strong heartbeat. All was well.

So I felt better. I feel better all around now, having seen B5 again. Though I know I will have to pass most of this pregnancy emotionally detached in order to survive it. Hoping against all hope that all of the steps we’re taking to protect B5 will be enough to make him or her a healthy full term baby.

During the two weeks of sheer terror I was considering coming here and writing about it. But each time I thought about it all I could envision were empty platitudes and sentiments in the comments section. Lots of “I’m sorries” and “I’m hopings”. All nice and good, but nothing that would have helped me in the slightest.  And lurkers coming in and rubber-necking the babyloss freak show once again. I just couldn’t stomach it. It’s not that I don’t love and appreciate all of you guys and your comments. It’s just that they don’t seem to help one bit at this point.

The proof was in the pudding: though the twitter ladies were awesome and supportive when I came clean there, it didn’t make me feel better. It made me melt down. Because each time I write about things going wrong it’s just a reminder that I’m not a normal, blissful pregnant lady. It’s a reminder that I’m a freak of nature. It’s a reminder that I will never be normal.

And that freaking sucks.

So yeah, now that I know things are fine I can talk about it. But things are fine for now. This whole pregnancy will be about waiting for the other shoe to drop, and hoping against all hope that it never does.

I just wish I was a normal stupid fertile person. It would make things so much easier.

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28 responses to “Coming Clean

  1. SM says:

    Oh how I know this feeling. I’ve had four losses ranging from eight to eleven weeks. If I ever manage to get pregnant again the whole thing will be spent waiting for things to collapse around me. There’s nothing I (or you) can do about it. We just know too much and it sucks.

  2. Courtney says:

    Well, you’re never going to be a “normal stupid fertile person,” and for that, I am truly sorry. It sucks being nervous all the time. And it’s not going to change. I’ve never suffered RPL, but I still hold my breath every time I go into the OB for a quick check thanks to IF. Until the doppler finds a heartbeat (even if I can feel the baby moving at that moment) – I am nervous and edgy. You are just going to be this way the entire time – and that does suck.

    What you are not, though, is a “freak of nature.” I am sure you feel that way, but you are not that. You are not the norm, but that’s OK. But not being the norm does not make you a freak of nature – it just makes you a little different!

    I do hope things continue to go well forever, including your 6 months of bedrest. Ugh!

  3. Theresa says:

    Dang, I don’t blame you at all for losing your shit. OR not wanting to have to tell half the world that you’re pregnant and expecting months of bed rest when anything at all seems in question. I would have demanded a sanity ultrasound as well!

  4. K says:

    I knew something was wrong, not like you to be so quiet. Most of us lose our shit over far less significant things. You lost a child. It doesn’t make you a freak of nature, it makes you a mourning mother.
    I’m sorry I can’t be more comforting but I know you don’t fall for that sunshine and roses nonsense. I do know there is some blood work that can be performed at 10 weeks though that has a pretty high rate of accuracy, like the harmony test and materniT21. It may help you feel better to pass some if those early screening tests. I am one of those people who needs every bloody test under the sun before I start to feel hopeful.

  5. Louisa says:

    I used to wake up each day I was pregnant and say ” today I am pregnant” sorta like an alcoholic “today I am sober”. One day at a time.

  6. Trisha says:

    Wow Mo, honestly you impress me more and more everyday. You have been through so much and I know this must be extremely difficult for you to post about. Like a previous comment said…one day at a time. And by the way, you are not a freak show. You are a strong amazing woman who has been dealt a shitty hand. Never feel like a freak though. I think about you all the time and I will continue to pull for you and B5.

  7. Amy says:

    I feel you, Mo. I’m further than I’ve ever been and barely keeping the freak show contained. This crazy train (and my husband’s) are going full speed…even though so far things are FINE. I even sa for two hours last night waiting to be seen (and helping my OB miss his dinner) for (another) unscheduled cervical length ultrasound because I woke up yesterday with an unspecific feeling of dread. Everything was completely copacetic. Jesus. I’m driving myself crazy…I can only imagine how it is for those around me (especially my OB and his staff, although they’re acting lovely, really).

    Freak out away, babe. That’s why we’re hear, to ride this one with you! ❤

  8. Christina says:

    I do wish there was something that we/I could do to make things better for you, but I know there isn’t. I just hope you know that I would never offer “empty platitudes”. While I can’t fully comprehend or understand what you are going though, I completely empathize. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a pregnancy and bedrest after RPL and everything else. Like a previous commenter said “Most of us lose our shit over far less significant things. You lost a child. It doesn’t make you a freak of nature, it makes you a mourning mother.” I say that if you think you are a freak show, then it’s a pretty big show as there are quite a number of acts (myself included) right there beside you!

    As for having to put all that in motion in prep for your bed rest in a few weeks as B5 WILL be sticking around for a super long time, can you just do it spur of the moment after the NT scan and just say it was a medical decision just then? I couldn’t even phathom telling complete strangers I was pregnant that early. Heck, I didn’t even tell people I saw everyday until 15-17w!

    Hang in there. I’m rooting for you 3 to come out on the other side of this as super awesome, IF superheros!

  9. missohkay says:

    I was afraid something was wrong when you disappeared and though I’m sorry you had a freakout (understandable) I’m glad it wasn’t the going-wrong thing I assumed – we’re all nervous freakshows ’round here, even your blog audience ❤

  10. chon says:

    I only understand freak shows. It’s what we do here.

  11. slese1014 says:

    yep, that whole ignorant fertile naive pregnant woman thing will never happen for ALI. It’s just not feasible. It sucks and I hate that you have to struggle. But you’re not struggling alone. Break downs are going to happen. And thank goodness for the Russian for giving you the sanity ultrasound. Sometimes, no matter who says what, the only thing that will ease your mind is seeing that baby on the screen, hearing that heart beat. I’m happy for now everything is OK. I’ve been thinking of you, but didn’t want to bother you. Just know you are always in my thoughts…

  12. Haley says:

    I’m glad you’re back! I wish I could provide an ounce of the level of support you provide the ALI community for you.

  13. LisaB says:

    Oh my goodness, I can’t even imagine what you have been going through! I don’t blame you one bit! I’m so glad B5 is looking so good! You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers xoxo

  14. Even if we have nothing helpful to say, we are here, abiding with you, being scared for you, hoping all the best for you. Hugs.

  15. Esperanza says:

    Oh Mo. I’m sorry things have been so hard. I’m sorry you’ve lost so much, so that even now when you have the thing you’ve wanted for so long, you don’t really get to have it, not in the way you wanted. Those are devastating loses to incur, after the most devastating losses imaginable. I wish that this journey were different for you. I wish that with all my heart. And I hope you find some semblance of peace during this pregnancy, even if you never get to enjoy it in the way you always wanted.

    Abiding with you.

  16. Daryl says:

    I know there are no words that can make any of this better. There is going to be freaking out, probably on multiple occasions. It’s inevitable, after everything you’ve been through. But you said it yourself: B5 is catching up. Try to hold onto that until the next reassurance comes around.

  17. CourtneyAnna says:

    Life sucks sometimes but what I’ve read from you the past year, you’re pretty badass. Stupid fertile people are pansies compared to us IF-ers. Don’t forget that you’re tough as nails. Spend 6 months resting & let others do for you. You’re like the Chuck Norris of the IF world. BAD ASS. 🙂

  18. Erin says:

    No empty platitudes. No I’m sorry or it sucks ,although I do and it does, because you know that already. And I doubt you are as rich as Tom Cruise and can therefore not afford your very own ultrasound machine to keep at home and check on B5 at will. BUT, I know many women who have found a lot comfort in the (relatively inexpensive) at home heart dopplers. Its not suggested before 12 weeks when it can be fairly difficult for someone untrained to find a heart beat and therefore tends to be more anxiety producing than relieving. But after that it is fairly easy and *might* help bridge that gap until you can feel B5 move… and even after that when he or she is being stubborn and fine but not moving as much as you want and you just want/need the reassurance of the heartbeat. Only you know if this would be helpful or not for you and as I type this I’m guessing you’ve considered and either already planned to purchase or rejected the idea already. Maybe the thought counts, at least?

    • Mo says:

      You are sweet. I actually already own a Doppler and have been happily freakig out nightly until hopefully I find a heartbeat next week

      • flmgodog says:

        I was going to offer you my doppler but now that I know you have one…I immediately thought you would make a good recipient of my doppler. I have been holding on to it since last year after my twins arrived. I had nine pregnancies, seven first and second trimester losses (it’s embarassing to even write all that for me).
        I closed up shop after my twins arrived and I wanted to give my doppler to someone but wasn’t sure where I wanted it to go.
        Enough about me Mo, their is nothing I can probably say or do that would make you feel better. I will just wish one day at a time that B5 grows stronger and bigger and makes it to the living and breathing on the outside. And maybe…B5 will be your take home baby like it was for me.

  19. Amy says:

    Abiding with you in co-freakshow-hood. Shit. That’s a useless empty platitude, I fear. Totally understandable that we can’t truly help you right now, but I do hope that we can again, and very soon. Lots of love to you and B5.

  20. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but please know that I am rooting for you and B5. I would have completely freaked out with the need to tell everyone about your pregnancy as well- I hope to keep any pregnancy I do have under wraps for as long as possible.

  21. theyellowblanket says:

    Thinking of you, Mo. I know it’s so hard. You’re doing your very best, and that’s all anyone in your shoes can do.

  22. Conne says:

    Sweetie…. keep both of those shoes on…. no dropping allowed 🙂

  23. Alissa says:

    Hmm…yes. Babyloss pregnant women really can’t have a normal pregnancy. You know, if you read my posts, that I was not ‘normal’. Unfortunately this is our lot. It blows, but it is what it is. You know I understand you (minus the incoming bed rest). Just vent when you need to and know that many of us get it. Stay strong, but feel whatever you need to in order to get through it. It’s okay to be pissed that after everything, you are still having to go through bull shit. But, you will have a baby at the end…if I have anything to say about it. Which I don’t, but at least I am proof that miracles do happen.

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