Like So

Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

Maternity Manifesto

on January 7, 2013

I will start by finally letting the cat out of the bag:

I am pregnant. Again.

That would be pregnancy number five for those of you keeping count. That’s 5 pregnancies, no healthy alive children as of yet.

I’m about 5.5 weeks along at this point, and surprisingly feeling rather zen about it so far.

Part of the reason I moved on from my old blog was that the thought of keeping up the “norms” of a newly pregnant infertile blogger made me a little queasy. And not from morning sickness. I just wanted out of there.

Let me explain.

Here’s what the blog of a pregnant infertile woman is supposed to look like:

Week 1: The newly pregnant infertile posts a picture of her positive home pregnancy test. If she’s truly ambitious, she may even show a progression of pee sticks and how the test line got gradually darker from day to day. Then the preggo infertile will proceed to say how happy and grateful she is, and of course she will not forget to mention how she’s kind of nervous that things will go wrong.

Week 2a: The pregnant infertile will post her first blood test results happily, then proceed to analyze that result ad-nauseam, speculating about whether it’s a good number or a bad one. If she’s truly ambitious, she may post her first “bump pic.” Not because there’s anything to see yet, but so she’ll have something to compare it to later.

Week 2b: Blood test number 2 happens. She speculates about how fast it doubled. She then once again gushes about how grateful she is, and how cautious she is, and how anxious.

Weeks 2-3: It’s first ultrasound time! This is a crossroad. Some pregnant infertiles don’t get past this point, and that sucks. But most see a lovely heartbeat on their ultrasound, then proceed to go on their blogs, post a picture of the black speck that is their soon-to-be baby, and make up a pithy nickname for said black speck. Truly ambitious women will at this point start doing the weekly “bumpdate” where they list their symptoms and start comparing their soon-to-be-babies to fruit. Yes, fruit.

Week 4: If the pregnant infertile started her pregnancy under the care of a fertility clinic, this is the point where you will find an excited, perky post about “graduating” to a regular OB. The bumpdates and fruit comparisons continue. As do the claims of gratefulness and anxiety. The pregnant infertile will not dare to complain about morning sickness, weight gain, or feeling gassy, for fear of an angry bitter backlash from her infertile readers.

Second Trimester: After the pregnant infertile reaches the 12-weeks-pregnant mark, more often than not, the only signs of life on her blog will be those weekly fruit comparisons and listing of symptoms. This is because once the pregnant infertile reaches the “safety” of the second trimester, she no longer knows how to handle her readers. She is most likely no longer anxious, or is not nearly as anxious as she was during the first trimester. She therefore feels guilty about being happy for herself, and is deathly afraid of being shunned by her infertile readers.

Third Trimester: The pregnant infertile will go back to updating more often because ZOMG she just started planning her nursery, and most of her infertile readers have either abandoned her at this point, flamed her anonymously a few times, or have made peace with her pregnant status. Therefore her guilt and resulting over-sensitivity abate slightly, and she begins writing again. At this point the daring pregnant infertile will also start talking about birth plans.

After Birth: There are really three paths here. The first, is that the now mommy-infertile posts a picture of her take-home-baby and birth story, and then abandons her blog completely without an announcement or fanfare. The second, is that the child ends up in the NICU for a while and the mommy-infertile posts a bit about that experience then disappears. The third is that the once infertility blog becomes one of thousands of mommy blogs, chronicling everything from breastfeeding to cloth diapering.

And there you have it. I’ve seen it hundreds of times.

And I’m sooooo over it. I’m sick of being the “pregnant infertile blogger”. I’m sick of reading them. I’ve been reading them for years. No wonder I want to abandon the herd.

Yeah, I’m pregnant. For the fifth time. So I’ve been there. I’ve posted the black speck pictures. I’ve gushed and spilled my anxiety, all while remaining “sensitive” to still-in-the-trenches readers. I’ve made up pithy nicknames. I’ve taken a picture of my muffin top in the bedroom mirror. I am however proud to say in all of my pregnancies I have not once compared my baby to fruit. Thank goodness for small favors.

The fact is, that if all goes well, approximately 6.5 weeks from now I will be going on six months of strict bed rest, in the hopes of keeping this thing in my ute as long as possible. So yeah, after four rounds I’m kind of over the tightrope walk that is being a pregnant infertile woman. No wonder I moved on from my old blog. I don’t want this to be a pregnancy-after-infertility-and-loss blog. Just writing out the expectations left me exhausted. I just want to write here about anything that’s on my mind. My ute is secondary to my mind.

I’ll keep you all posted about how it’s going, when there’s something interesting to post about. But please, if you see me doing any of the above BS, kick me or something. Just not in the stomach please. That would be bad.

Also – if all you’re interested in is the outcome of this pregnancy only from a morbid “when will this go south” perspective, and if you’re curious only because of my history, please go away now. You will be disappointed, because this blog was not created to chronicle the goings-on in my ute. I’m done with that. Even if those goings-on will be trapping me in bed for six months.

Oh – and I do reserve the right to create a pithy nickname, strictly for practical purposes, because I hate using the words “fetus” or “embryo”.

In fact – the pithy nickname has already been chosen. And it has nothing to do with fruit.

Ok, now you want to know the pithy nickname don’t you? Fine.

It’s Baby-lon 5 .

Sci-Fi geeks rejoice.

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81 responses to “Maternity Manifesto

  1. Katerina says:

    Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you Mo!!!

  2. Ariella says:

    I am so happy! My heart is glowing for you 🙂 I can’t wait to follow on your new blog!!!

  3. Chon says:

    I’m guilty as charged but I only did it every five weeks or so. You know this blog isn’t about all that anymore and that’s good. But my biggest wish is that there will be a time when you can and will do something so boring, uninspired and unoriginal as post an update because then I’ll know it’s going to be ok.

  4. Shanlee says:

    Congrats. I’ll leave it at that. Followed you over here because I just love the way you write.

  5. jaclyn says:

    Congrats! I am very excited for you! and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for your lil one to continue to grow to be a baby in your arms!! xoxo

  6. LisaB says:

    Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed! I didn’t realize I was turning into one of those bloggers. 😦 Ugh. I don’t know what else to write about though. Anyway, big congrats to you. Will be hoping for the best!

  7. Sunflower says:

    Great post and so true. You have chroniceled things so well and I am guilty as charged in many regards, but I still find this funny and true! All the best with the pregnancy.

  8. Momoneymoproblems says:

    Wow, maybe you should stop being such a prude, i am glad you stop following most bloggers who post all those things that annoy you, so what if you have to go on bedrest for 6 months, i am 24 and i am going through early menopause while i was trying to conceive and guess what now i cant get pregnant, i least you can!!!, you should thank your lucky stars you have that ability, i used to follow you, but who wants to follow an ungrateful person such as yourself, i truly hope your pregnancy goes well, but when other people try to support you then you make fun of them, it makes me wonder.Get Over yourself!!!

    • Mo says:

      Yay my first hateful comment!
      Though I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through, don’t belittle what I have been through. The “at least I can get pregnant” sentiment ended when I lost my son. Repeat pregnancy loss is devastating and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Late term loss is beyond devastating. I wouldn’t wish that on freaking hitler. And I’m Jewish so that’s saying something.
      I am nothing but grateful to everyone who supports me. But just like you feel the need to trash me- and on my own blog to boot! – I have every right to let out a little bitter when I am scared out of my mind. It’s how I deal. If you don’t want to follow me, don’t. I gave sufficient warning when I started this space that I was throwing etiquette out the window here.
      I hope against all hope that you find a place to let out some of your pent out anger. Maybe start your own blog?
      In the meantime, I truly wish you the best.
      But if you DARE belittle the loss of my Nadav again I will have no choice but to unceremoniously delete your comment and wish you ill. Sorry- but that’s my son. He was here and he was loved. But for now I only wish you the best, truly. Also maybe some prozac?
      Keep it classy!

      • Amy says:

        I love you, Mo. Also, totally off-topic, but I am here now so what the hell: I am way late to the podcasting world, and just now started listening to the Bitter Infertiles. Loving it! Wondered if some of the episodes already expired or something?, though, because for some reason my queue only starts with Episode 5. May try deleting and resubscribing, because I’m sure the first four episodes are worth hunting down. Just wanted to say thanks so much for starting such a great project!

      • Mo says:

        Aww thanks Amy! Really weird about the eps, all of them should be there and there are a couple of good ones at the start… Maybe a problem with our XML feed. I’ll look into it. Thanks for the heads up!

  9. josfword says:

    Hi. I’ve just found your blog and I have to say, I like your attitude. Just really wanted to let you know that I think what you are saying really does ring true and look forward to enjoying more. I’m “recovering from infertility” too. From Jo

  10. josfword says:

    Ps totally forgot to say that I hope all goes well with this pregnancy and to wish you lots of love and luck!

  11. […] A few days ago I received this lovely comment on my pregnancy announcement post: […]

  12. JourneyGirl says:

    Had to come back for belated congrats cos in my own little ‘meeper’ world, I missed this announcement, WTF!!! Anyway, I’m barracking (as we Melbournians say) for you and Baby-lon 5.

    I’ve definitely have done many of the above things and don’t feel guilty or a need to apologise, I have hardly any readers to offend and I don’t really care if I do anyway because I like my blog to be as effective telling of my journey as possible (some days it is, some days it isn’t).

    That being said, I love to read differing opinions, I like the challenge of seeing things another way.

    Anyhoo, just wanted to say again that it is great news and even though there may not be much joy in the pregnancy for you after all you’ve been through, I hope that Baby-lon 5 will be safe in your arms, fully to term and healthy and your joy will then be overflowing.

  13. jelleke says:

    I was redirected from another blog to read this post and I needed to write a comment, even though, while I go through this, I’m still pondering which way I want to go to be honest.

    Yes, I have seen this all before as well, and yes, I am really over it sometimes as well. I absolutely share the opinions you have voiced here, but I guess I am too much of a coward to actually write this down myself.

    When I cannot bring myself to do this, it is because I understand how, for some women, this is the only vent they have about their excitement and their anxiety. We do not know how things are in real life relationships for them if we only know them through the interwebs. For all we know, they have nowhere to go. Maybe they cannot even share things with their significant other. But by the same token, they can also be the ones that repeat themselves to their million friends umpteen times.

    Secondly, no matter how much it hurts to read said blogs and the course they run as mentioned before, if this is concerning a person you are really feeling for, even though you have never met them, it does not matter for me. They can go on as much as they want and I will be happy for them. Genuinely happy for them. Jealous? Yes. Sad? Also, yes. But at the same time, happy for them. Not for me. For them.

    Lastly, in the end, what matters is how the woman that wrote it feels. If she wants to keep record of the tiniest detail, of the most embarrassing symptom or experience, of the smallest little black speck anyone has ever laid eyes on , that is her choice. In my opinion, you firstly write these things for yourself. Then you write it for the people that can make a use of your writings. Women that are in similar situations and went to Dr. Google to find answers. After that, it should not matter. Friends, haters, evil overlords, llamas… All welcome to read, but not expected to. If you want attention and comfort, Facebook is the place to go to.

    I have come to almost write the things you mentioned here, but I could not bring myself to it. I did not want to upset anyone. And maybe that is a lame excuse, or maybe it is not. I know that it does not matter. If you do not want to read about these things, then you click the little cross somewhere in your browser to close it. I believe anyone can write what they want. It all comes down to what you choose to read and in saying that, I am glad I read this post.

    • Mo says:

      Hey there
      Good points all.
      I have nothing against the women who post this way, I just am sick of falling into the norms which is why I wrote this post. There are two pingback links to this post, I hope you read them both, you may find the interesting!

  14. Rebecca says:

    Hi Mo, Sorry I’ve been away. With all your followers I’m sure the lack one didn’t show a blip on the radar. I have to say that I am very happy that you are pregnant and hope that this one makes it. Love this post about the infertile blogs. Yup they are pretty much all like what you wrote above. Oh and I love the show B5.
    Right there with on the number of times pregnant. Just lost another one, chemical, earlier this month. Moving on with life to donor eggs in March if all goes well.

    Hope to start following you more regularly. Eek I swear I don’t have a real life now because I follow way too many blogs.

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