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Ranting, raving, burning bridges and moving forward.

Irony. Um, Wait. That is Irony Right?

on December 31, 2012

Now that we all know for sure that the zombie apocalypse isn’t upon us I can safely look ahead to 2013 without worrying about stupid Mayan prophecies.

Ok – I wasn’t really that worried.

Fine. I was a little worried. But just in a “dude you’re being insane stop that right now” sort of way. Right. Back to the reason why I’m posting.

So last year I wrote a letter to 2012, refusing to acknowledge 2011, because by my standards at the time, 2011 was the worst. year. ever.

Obviously I had abysmally low standards at the time. At least when it came to measuring the crap-tastic-ness of my years. Because, boy, was 2012 a doozy. I spent most of it in bed actually. Grief will do that to a person. Not so great for the figure though, I assure you.

But then, really, when you break it down, I’ve spent most of the 2000’s in bed. And not just sleeping. I mean, of course, I was sleeping. But not just the regular one-third-of-my-life kind of sleeping that most normal people do. I did the kind of zombie-fied sleeping that depressed people do.

Hell, I’m still in that zombie-licious sleepy state.

The truth is, I don’t quite know how to snap myself out of it. I’ve got happy pills, but they just make the panic attacks go away and make things less ZOMG MY LIFE IS ENDING horrible. But really, happy pills are a band-aid.

Here’s the irony of it all. Wait – is it irony? I never really truly get the definition of irony. But I suppose this is irony (I know that a traffic jam when you’re already late and a no smoking sign on your cigarette break are only ironic according to Alanis). Wait. I just got distracted. Rewind.

The irony of it is that sometimes at night, two seconds before I fall asleep the thought hits me: When I grow old, I’m so going to regret all of the years I spent depressed and not doing anything with my life.

And then I freak the fuck out.

Ok, I don’t actually fall asleep after having that thought. I usually have to put on a Harry Potter audio book to shut my head down after that panic party.

But the point is that I KNOW I shouldn’t be living like this. I just don’t know what the fuck to do about it. Because I’ve been asleep for so freaking long I just do it out of force of habit or sheer necessity. Oh – and don’t tell me to go out for a walk and that should make everything better. When you’re depressed and overweight, the last fucking thing you can bring yourself to do is go on a freaking walk. If only it were that easy.

I hate looking back on a whole. freaking. year. and knowing that I spent most of it asleep. Yes, I got shit done. But I know what I’m capable of getting done when I actually have the energy to do shit. And trust me, that’s way more than what I’ve gotten done in 2012. Or 2011. Or 2010 or 2009 for that matter.

And that folks – is not good.

I can blame grief, I can blame infertility limbo. I can blame a lot of things.

But the truth is – it’s just depression coupled with a healthy dose of lazy and an addiction to trashy TV.

Something’s gotta give in 2013.

Oh! Here’s the real irony: Chances are I’ll be spending part of 2013 on forced bed rest. So how in the hell does one stop sleeping when one is actually forced into a sleeping contraption 24-7 due to medical necessity?

This is one for the ages, folks.

My life is officially an Alanis Morissette song.

Oh, wait. It isn’t – because I think I actually do fit the real definition of irony. I’m sorry Alanis. I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m a huge fan! Seriously, I got really pissed when your concert sold out before I could get tickets last month. I totes lurve you and stuff.

Now I’m really rambling.

Here’s to a less rambling 2013!

And, hopefully and un-ironically, a better year all around.


8 responses to “Irony. Um, Wait. That is Irony Right?

  1. Kitten says:

    “…it’s just depression coupled with a healthy dose of lazy and an addiction to trashy TV.”
    That was my 2012, too. I’m so over it.
    Wishing you the very best for 2013!

  2. slese1014 says:

    Here’s to 2013….it has got to be better than 2012….right? Well, there’s hope for it to be better anyway.

  3. Wannabemom says:

    So great to be reading your spunky wit again. I don’t have any answers either but I feel very similar. When you figure out how to really live through the sad, let me know! Hoping 2013 is better too.

  4. Courtney says:

    Depression is so debilitating. Truly, truly debilitating. I’m so glad that you’re charting a new course for yourself for 2013!!!

    Best of luck in the new year!

  5. Daryl says:

    Ironic or not, it sucks that 2012 was so awful for you. I can’t say for sure that 2013 will be better, but I’m sure hoping it will be.

  6. KBO says:

    You are so often able to put into words the exact thoughts I have running through my head.

    So glad you are back blogging!!!

  7. So good to read you again! Hope that 2013 will be the year where those stupid depressions go back to where they belong!

  8. Rocky says:

    I won’t be the one to contradict you and point out that you’ve actually done quite a lot in the past few years (as in becoming part of a community, contributing to it, becoming a central figure in it and committing to a regular podcast for it), mostly because I know that you’re right and that you are capable of more (I’ve seen you do it).
    On the other hand, I won’t be the one chastising you and sending you to ‘simply get out of bed and as the Nike commercial say, just do it’, because I know how hard it is to shake off depression and how much the mere fact that you’ve been depressed before can lead to panic and panic can lead back to depression in an endless cycle that can only be stopped by forgiving yourself for the past and, as you wrote, moving on.
    So I’ll just send you all my love and hugs and remind you that you always have friends who care, even if they’re far away.

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